Monday, 8 July 2019
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· President Donald Trump announced in a tweet that he will "no longer deal with" UK Ambassador Sir Kim Darroch after the latter described our petulant leader as "radiating insecurity."
· Some have suggested that the charges against alleged pedophile predator, Jeffrey Epstein, could also shift scrutiny onto the billionaire sex offender's wealthy friends.
· Duchess of Sussex Kate Middleton made you a bespoke log, for cloud-gazing.
· Meanwhile, on Long Island, a horse took itself to the Old Town Road, i.e. the Sunrise Highway. Isn't that nice?
· A beautiful, marigold-colored bird rescued by—I kid you not—the Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire, England turned out not to be a wonderfully exotic specimen, but rather, a seagull thickly coated in curry power. Save for his "vibrant color and pungent smell," he is reportedly fine.
· Congrats, you're now haunted by this Potato Jesus-style statue of Melania Trump, newly chainsawed into existence in Slovenia.
· A Texas woman was banned from a Walmart after consuming half a cake while shopping, and then refusing to pay more than half its price at checkout.
· A new lawsuit accuses a fertility clinic of impregnating a Queens woman with embryos from two different couples, resulting in twins the woman had to give back to their biological parents.
· And finally, in conclusion, here's some throwback footage of Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo, who—according to science—has 14 distinctly bitchin' moves in his groove repertoire. Congrats, Snowball, we're all very proud.
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