Alton Brown Vows to ‘Mainline Moonpies and Snort Cheese Powder’ in Delightful Pre-Election Twitter Rant

On Monday afternoon, celebrity chef and Food Network personality Alton Brown embodied what is probably the feelings of a lot of people on the day before the election with a hilarious pre-election Twitter rant that pretty much got to the heart of this super stressful time.

It kicked off unassumingly enough at 4:49 p.m. (Pacific), when the “Good Eats” host tweeted “No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts.” This true statement (good lord this election is stressful you guys) lived by itself for exactly an hour, until at 5:49 p.m. Brown followed it with “I’m seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie #NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time.”

Brown only waited 15 minutes before his next tweet, which pretty much set the tone for things to come. “So many Food Network people are like “oh, I’m going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam…” Screw that,” Brown said. “I’m going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!” Same.

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For the next 40 minutes Brown just went off, posting delightfully fun thoughts like “YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I’VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?” and “MURDER HORNET FONDUE.” Things continued thus for 20 tweets total, wrapped up when Brown said “Who’s with me?” followed by “I SAID WHO’S WITH ME?”

We are, Alton. We are.

We’ve posted the whole crazy hilarious thing, in chronological order, below:



No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I'm seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie
#NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





So many Food Network people are like "oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam…" Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I HAVE 17 CANS OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. BACK THE HELL OFF!

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON AS I'M DONE WITH THIS CAPT CRUNCH SITZ BATH.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





TWO WORDS: RANCH…STINGS.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





MURDER HORNET FONDUE

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER MET A "JOLLY RANCHER"?

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





YOU WANNA EAT WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT? FINE…EAR WAX.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





PRINCE SAID IT BEST "LET'S GET CRAZY."

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





SWISS FREAKIN' MEATBALLS FOR EVERYONE

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





GRAPENUTS ROCK…ESPECIALLY WITH HALF N HALF AND SCOTCH.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer.

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





who's with me?

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020





I SAID "WHO'S WITH ME"?

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020



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