Dear Abby: Daughter's new kitten brings comfort, conflict to household

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old daughter lives with me to get ahead on her student loans. She has a good job, pays rent and has a serious boyfriend. My niece, her cousin, recently died by suicide, and naturally, we are all devastated, but my daughter took the news especially hard. I had to be out of town for three weeks, and during this time she has been spending time with my sister-in-law's family as they all navigate this tragedy.

My niece left behind several pets -- dogs and a mama cat with kittens. My daughter called me, announced she had brought a kitten home and declared that this kitten has helped her in her grief process. I am livid that she didn't ask me first (she knew the answer would be a firm "no"). She's now claiming that I don't care about her grief.

I feel emotionally blackmailed, and I'm dreading the confrontation when I get home. This kitten has taken this devastating tragedy to a new level. How should I handle this? -- FAMILY GRIEF

DEAR FAMILY GRIEF: While I understand your feelings, handle it by being less hard-nosed about the fact that your daughter didn't follow protocol by asking permission before bringing home the kitten. Allow her to keep it, and during those times when she can't be home because she's working, etc., encourage her to leave the little furball with her boyfriend. Make plain that the creature is -- and will be -- HER responsibility, meaning she will be responsible for feeding, vet bills, litter box, etc. And, most important of all, try not to fall in love with it because when your daughter leaves, Kitty will be going with her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a straight female. I have been divorced for 10-plus years and recently decided, after five years of trying to attract a new man through online dating, that I want to be single and celibate for the rest of my life.

Literally days after I wrote the decision in my journal, guys are coming at me out of the woodwork, chatting me up, even giving unsolicited hugs. I'm bewildered.

I subscribed to a dating site for a full-year membership and got not one single reply to any of my messages. Not one! I also tried a different dating site, where my friend met her spouse. It yielded crickets. No man ever messaged me to say, "Hey, I like your photo and want to know more about you." This reinforces my decision that I want nothing to do with men. -- LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: And your question is? If you are asking me to validate a decision you made out of frustration after a year of terrible luck, I can't in good conscience do that. We can't run from life because we are afraid of the pain of being open. That is the coward's choice.

If men are showing an interest, allow them to get to know you and vice versa, instead of hiding. Be present and live your life in situations that include available people, which sometimes yields better results than the pressure of online dating.

Mom's efforts at gift-giving are rejected by her son

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I'm torn. My mother-in-law recently retired and wants to gift stocks to all of her grandchildren. However, my husband refuses to accept them on behalf of our son. We also didn't deposit her wedding and baby shower gifts to us. (Both were checks.) We just kept them because I felt it was the right thing to do.

However, in this case, I appreciate and would gladly accept the stocks. Her gift would pay for my son's higher education. My husband feels we can't accept everything he's given. I think he's being stubborn, not thinking about his son and letting his ego get in the way. What do you think about this? -- THINKING OF THE FUTURE

DEAR THINKING: Why am I thinking you omitted an important paragraph (or two) from your letter? The one describing your husband's troubled relationship with his mother. That relationship should be separate from hers with her grandchild.

She was generous with her wedding and shower gifts. (The checks should probably be destroyed at this late date because they can no longer be cashed.) As to the gift of stocks she wants to give your son, I see no rational reason why they shouldn't be accepted, acknowledged and saved to be used for the purpose for which they are intended. Your husband's stance on this is irrational and will serve no purpose other than to penalize the boy -- and both of you.

DEAR ABBY: My 29-year-old daughter just moved out on her own from the bedroom she has occupied since she was 7 months old and into a nice place. She has been dating "Ben" for five years. She has helped Ben and stuck by him. Despite the fact that Ben doesn't have a degree, my daughter has helped him improve his potential, and he now has licenses and gets well-paying jobs.

When he met my daughter, he lived with his mom. My daughter gave him the push to get his own place and helped him decorate. Ben is eight years older than she is and has a 9-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, whom my daughter gets along with.

I guess because parents have expectations for their kids, I thought by now there would have been some sort of talk about their future. She and Ben are still together, but I don't know if this relationship is headed anywhere. I like him, and I have a great relationship with my daughter. I don't want to intrude on her private life. What can I do to get them to move toward the future? -- CARING DAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DAD: You are certainly free to have the discussion with your daughter, but as much as you love her, this is not your journey. It's hers and Ben's. Don't be a back-seat driver. They are enjoying the present, and the future will take care of itself.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.