Dear Abby: Man is weighed down by sadness four years after separation
DEAR ABBY: I've been separated from my wife for about four years, at her request. It was justified. I wasn't the best husband. I wasn't abusive, but I was sad and feeling sorry for myself, like now.
I took her for granted and didn't show her the affection she deserved, but I have been going to therapy to work through issues that I had suppressed for decades that contributed to me being a bad husband. I wanted to try counseling with her, but she was done and refused, which I'm still saddened by.
As of today, she has a new boyfriend but still hasn't filed for divorce. I'm struggling because she and her new boyfriend hang out with people I grew up with. It's my own hang-up, I know, but it makes me feel embarrassed and like I can never hang out with my friends again. I get upset when I see posts on Facebook with her and her boyfriend that my family have added heart emojis or nice comments to.
Am I wrong for feeling betrayed in some way? Is my estranged wife belittling me by not filing for divorce and hanging out with my friends and a new boyfriend? Are my friends and family betraying me by being friends with them? -- BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR
DEAR BROKEN: Marriages end for many reasons. If I read your letter correctly, your wife left because she could no longer cope with someone who was in a chronic state of depression, not because you were a "bad husband" or had some flaw in your character.
You are doing your best to improve your mental state, and for that I applaud you. You should not feel embarrassed or humiliated because she has found a new relationship. Please discuss these feelings with your therapist so you can move beyond them.
It may also be time to take the initiative and file for the divorce. Quit avoiding your longtime friends. If you haven't started dating, some of them may know women to introduce you to. And because posts on the internet about your almost-ex and her boyfriend cause you pain, block or delete them rather than obsess.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has an 8-year-old daughter who lives with us part time. Sometimes I watch her when her dad is out running errands or working.
I'll be perfectly honest. There are times she acts like an entitled, spoiled brat. She's rude and disrespectful, and when I ask her to do something, she doesn't always do it. I can't take it anymore.
I know I'm not her biological mom, but I will not continue to tolerate her behavior and attitude. Although I have spoken with her dad about it, he has done nothing to correct the problem. Please tell me what to do. -- FRUSTRATED "STEPMOM"
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time you are asked to watch your boyfriend's daughter, decline and clearly state the reason why. Perhaps when it becomes inconvenient for him, he will assert himself, act like a parent and insist that his daughter behave respectfully. If not, you may have to rethink the relationship.
After-hours texting keeps retiree up at night
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are both recently retired. Our 19-year-old daughter lives 100 miles away at college. My wife has an elderly mother. My problem is family and friends who text early in the morning.
When I was working, I had to get up at 4:30 a.m., so one of the biggest rewards of retirement is no alarm clock. My wife keeps her cellphone next to the bed because of our daughter and her mother, so putting it somewhere else is not an option.
When a text comes through, I automatically think the worst. My adrenaline kicks in, and I can't go back to sleep. One person even sent me birthday wishes at 3 a.m.
Why do people know not to call at those hours unless it's an emergency but still text? How can I gracefully let people know that even though they are up, I am enjoying the rewards of a well-earned retirement and would like to be able to sleep until I wake up on my own? -- LATE TO RISE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR LATE: Notify your friends and family that unless there is an emergency, they should please not text before 10 a.m. because it wakes you up. Repeat that message as often as necessary. And do some research because there may be features on your wife's cellphone that would enable ONLY texts from your daughter and mother-in-law to come through, while you blissfully slumber.
DEAR ABBY: When my parents were in their 70s and began to lose friends, I remember their discussions about when it was generally acceptable for the surviving spouse to begin "keeping company" with another woman or man. The consensus seemed to be about one year, depending upon the circumstances of the deceased spouse's health prior to dying, the length of their marriage, etc.
Times have certainly changed, but I'm wondering: Is there still a recommended amount of time in which to begin dating without being disrespectful to the memory of the deceased partner or other family members? -- INQUIRING MIND IN MICHIGAN
DEAR INQUIRING MIND: Some widowed people are emotionally prepared for the loss of their spouse. Others, knocked completely off balance, need more time to recover, and some choose to remain mateless for the rest of their lives.
If you're asking what "others" might consider a suitable time for a widowed person to resume romantic relationships, and you plan to live your life according to other people's standards, then conform to the one-year rule. However, if you feel ready before that, then go for it. Everyone grieves the loss of a spouse differently.
DEAR ABBY: I recently celebrated a milestone birthday, for which my children gave a beautiful party. It was glorious. The problem is I inadvertently left two couples off the list. I'm trying to move beyond it, but it really bothers me.
What can I say to them? What can I say to myself in dealing with this omission? Thank you for your insight. -- FEELING LIKE A DUMMY
DEAR FEELING: Be honest and say, "I don't know what happened. I must have had a brain glitch. If I have caused hurt feelings, I apologize. Please forgive me." (You aren't the first person this has happened to, and you won't be the last, so forgive YOURSELF.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.