Review: Crystal waters, soft sands, clunky dialogue in ‘Old’

“Can you believe I found this online?” a delighted Prisca asks husband Guy at the beginning of “Old,” as their family arrives at a glistening beach resort.

Not to be a Debbie Downer quite so soon, but this isn’t a good sign — for the family OR the film. “Can you believe I found this online?” has become the hackneyed catchphrase of the vacation horror movie. Every time a character says that, whether at a dreamy English estate or a stunning coastal retreat, you can set your watch — the first body will appear in minutes.

Still, we hope for the best. “Old” is an M. Night Shyamalan film, so you know the premise will be clever and provocative. And frankly, we’re a captive audience. It’s summer, it’s been an awful year, and we could all use two hours on a beautiful beach, even if it’s virtual. Just give us a few meaty characters we can root for, a modicum of backstory to make us care, and decent dialogue to move things along. Not much to ask, right?

Apparently, it is. Because Shyamalan bafflingly dispenses with all that, relying solely on an enticing premise and pretty scenery. It’s just not enough.

The characters are quirky, but trust us, not in a good way — in an annoying, instantly tedious, I-dare-you-to-care-about-me way. The kids are nice enough, but each adult is more exasperating than the next, and more ridiculous. It’s perhaps not their fault. The dialogue is often cartoonishly clumsy. You’ll surely find yourself belly-laughing several times, only to sheepishly remind yourself this isn’t a comedy.

Prisca and Guy are vacationing with their kids, Trent, 6, and Maddox, 10. Guy (Gael Garcia Bernal) is an anxious insurance actuary — not the most logical use of Bernal’s charms, but OK — constantly spouting stats on how people die in accidents. Prisca (Vicky Krieps) is a...