Dear Abby: Ring presented at engagement ceremony is unhappy surprise

DEAR ABBY: When my then-boyfriend asked me to marry him, he didn't have a ring ready, but I happily accepted his proposal. We were in our late 20s and had been dating for almost 10 years. He then took me to the jewelry store so I could select one to my taste and liking (within budget). We took a picture of the ring, and he told me he would bring his mother back to the jewelry shop with him so she could help with the price haggling.

A week later, he told me he had made the purchase and we both couldn't wait for our engagement ceremony as we took the next step in our relationship. On that day, to my surprise, the ring he put on my finger wasn't the one I had selected. However, in front of his family, my family and probably 40 guests, I pretended nothing happened.

I wasn't happy at all and told him later, in private, that it wasn't the ring I chose. His answer was, his mother thought this one would look better (in my opinion, cheaper and tackier) than the one I liked and that I was overreacting. I told him that had he not taken me shopping, I would have appreciated any ring he bought. He brushes me off when I try to discuss it. Why did he take me and then disregard my opinion? Am I overreacting, Abby? -- FOOLED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FOOLED: You are not overreacting. Your fiance's mother had a lot of nerve. She apparently rules the roost and chose that occasion to assert herself. Worse, it appears her son values her opinion over yours. He owes you an apology.

If this happened recently and you are not yet married to this prize, the two of you should consider making a return trip to that jeweler. Hopefully, this scenario won't be repeated with the selection of the wedding rings.

DEAR ABBY: My husband was a drug addict 18 years ago. It was a very hard time for us; he went through rehab and we almost divorced. Fast-forward: He has been doing well, and we still have our problems, but he hasn't used heavy drugs for 17 years. To calm his anxiety, he just has an occasional drink or uses CBD oils.

My sister-in-law told me last weekend that my sister told our son (who was 17 at the time) about my husband's drug issues when he was younger. We always kept my husband's past quiet, feeling that we would have that conversation with our son eventually, when we were ready.

I'm furious that she told him. It should have been our choice, not hers. She has violated my trust. There has been a lot of animosity between my husband and my sister in the past, so I am sure she did it out of spite. I am so upset I am afraid I'll explode and ruin the tenuous relationship I have with her. Also, my husband will probably want to disown her for this betrayal. What do you suggest? -- BETRAYED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BETRAYED: If your sister knew you wanted to keep this from your son until he was older, she did betray your trust. Once you have calmed down, talk to her, ask if what you were told is true, and if it is, why she would do such a thing. Once you have all the facts, your husband must be told the cat is out of the bag so the two of you can decide whether you want to continue a relationship with this sister. And because a predisposition toward addiction can run in a family, have that long-overdue talk with your son about it.

Family photos are at risk after brother-in-law's death

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister passed away in 2013. Her husband, "Roger," joined her in heaven three months ago.

There are pictures in their house of my husband's family (parents, grandparents) that he would like to have and that are of no interest to Roger's family since they never knew those relatives. Not knowing the etiquette for asking for items after a person's passing, I asked several people who had lost close family members when a respectful time to ask would be.

They all said that two weeks should be fine.

I contacted Roger's granddaughter asking about the pictures and told her we are not interested in anything but the pictures. The granddaughter got angry and said that "everybody is already wanting all Roger's things." Then she blocked me, and now I have no way to contact anyone. I'm worried that the pictures will be discarded.

I feel terrible that I offended the granddaughter. It wasn't intentional. I don't even have a way to apologize. Was I wrong? What is usually the etiquette in such matters? -- MISSING FAMILY PHOTOS

DEAR MISSING: You did nothing wrong. You didn't jump the gun because others have also been inquiring about the disposition of property. Emotions can run high when there is a death in the family, and frankly, the granddaughter may have overreacted.

You stated that you "contacted" her. Was it online? I ask because sensitive questions like this are best dealt with directly -- in person or by phone. You may be able to contact surviving relatives by reaching out to the mortuary that handled the funeral, or to the church Roger and his wife may have belonged to. It couldn't hurt to inquire again in a month or two, if that's possible. I agree it would be a shame if the family photos were tossed.

DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren work as restaurant servers. When I took them to lunch the other day, they said if I was going to pay by credit card, I should leave the tip for the server in cash. (They offered to pay the kid, but it was my treat, so I said I would leave it.)

They then explained that when a tip is left on the card, the server doesn't get it immediately because the restaurant waits until it clears and then they get paid. Generally, the business gets around to doing it only once or twice a month. Also, on the receipt, you check off 15%, 18% or 20% of the bill. There's no way for the server to keep track of the amount of each individual check. They don't know if they are getting all of what's coming to them or if the owner is pocketing some of the money.

Servers are only just now getting back to work, so I tip a little more generously than I used to. I want to make sure they get their money now. -- CASH IS BETTER

DEAR CASH: I agree that cash on the barrel is probably the best way to ensure the server gets every bit of what's intended from the client. That an employer would help themself to money intended for an employee is shameful -- and yet I have heard that it happens to parking attendants, too.

My late husband worked as a parking attendant in his youth, and he told me his employer actually had the pockets of their uniforms sewn shut and confiscated their tips. It's why he always asked parking attendants if they were allowed to keep the tips. A word to the wise.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.